Ask Babe: My Boyfriend Might Be A Mummy Thief (by Babe Scanlon)

My boyfriend is obsessed with Chinchorro mummies and I’m afraid he will attempt to steal one in his upcoming trip to Peru (not that he’s mused on elaborate plans for such as he is CLEARLY no Indiana Jones OH NO). Do I have to break up with him if he does? Or should I just put it in the corner of the living room and hang a coat on it?

Sincerely,
A Lady who takes her moisturizing very seriously

Dear Seriously Moisturized Lady,

Firstly I just want you to know that you are not alone. My husband is exactly the same way but with hookers. What you have to realize is that the rules of dog training can be used on people. And the primary rule of dog training is: praise the good and ignore the bad. Because of this, before your boyfriend goes on his trip to Peru, every time he brings home a mummy you MUST ignore him and give him no attention BUT THEN you must praise him excessively EVERY TIME he does NOT bring home a mummy.

If you are consistent and firm, he most likely won’t bring home any Chinchorro mummies. But if he does, you might prop it up outside your door to discourage robbers?

With compassion and support,
Babe

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