Women Disagree With Advice Columnist

I’m a huge fan of E. Jean Carroll, brilliant advice columnist for Elle magazine and all-around cool lady. However, this tweet gave me pause! When I think back on my dating life, the only guy I still actively dislike is the one who did, indeed, pay for everything, so I am a little stumped. But I’m just one person.

So I took it to my panel of lady friends, aka “whoever is green in gchat,” to see if I could find someone who agreed with Carroll.

25-year-old San Franciscan (I’m telling you their ages and city in case this is some sort of generational or geographic thing?) Christine Borden says “no, I do not dislike men who do not pay for the date….That said, I appreciate a guy who will pay for the date, especially if he is the one who asked me out.

“I have dated men who get upset about women assuming that they will automatically pay, but those men (in my biased experience) also tend to have issues with women in general.”

37-year old San Franciscan Amanda also disagrees with Carrol, saying “I want men to assume that I’m capable of pulling my own weight. I’m flexible when it comes to drinks in a bar – but nothing else.”

Beth Spotswood, who is 34 and lives in SF, says “I would never expect a guy to pay for everything. It would creep me out. But I am certainly taking mental notes.”

“I find the payment moment so awkward, that sometimes I just pay and get it over with so we can go back to talking about anything else.”

Katie J. M. Baker‘s 24, lives in New York, and says she doesn’t dislike non-payers, secretly or not. “I think who ever asks someone out on a date should pay for the first date. If you’re in a relationship, I definitely don’t think the man should pay for everything.”

32-year-old San Franciscan Becca Klarin says “I like a man who offers to pay, but I don’t want to be a kept woman! There’s a point where chivalry crosses an invisible line and veers off toward hookerdom.”

“Maybe I’m in the minority, but if anything, I secretly dislike the men who think that, in paying for everything, they own their date. That doesn’t mean that I want to go dutch on everything with my husband, but I don’t ever want to feel like I “owe” him everything: mind, body, soul, etc.”

You guys, I seriously tried to find someone, anyone, who might agree with Carroll, but came up blank. Of course, that’s why blogs have comments, so readers can offer their opinions — so have at it!


5 thoughts on “Women Disagree With Advice Columnist

  1. Rain

    OK, fine, I’ll agree with E. Jean Carroll. She said (secretly) so, yeah, I secretly don’t like it when men don’t pay for the everything. But maybe that’s just because right now, I’m poor….but probably not.

    The thing is, when it comes to dating, I feel like we women, a lot of the time, have to do a lot of work. We gotta remove all the hair from our bodies, (EVE), do our hair and make-up, wear a nice outfit–maybe even buy a nice new outfit–wear uncomfortable shoes, and probably be the one responsible for the birth control. So fuck it. The guy can buy the dinner and drinks. Especially if he shows up to the date wearing shorts and flip-flips.

  2. Kathy

    A man who always pays? I don’t think that would be much fun, since the one who pays is also usually the one who decides things like when and where to go. I would not feel comfortable with my own spontaneity if it were reliant on someone else bankrolling my fun. Saying, “Let’s go for sushi,” is much better than saying, “Will you please take me for sushi?”

  3. annestone

    At years past 37, I have to say it’s a relief to see this conversation in print… and to see women reacting as they have above. I remember feeling at 22, 27, 34 as if my horror at watching a man pay for me was a sure sign that I was broken. I also remember feeling glad to be paid for when I was broke – thank you for that honest pause, Rain.

    It can be super fun to pay. It can be super fun to keep secrets from men we like and dislike. Here’s to keeping the conversation going… thanks, Winnower : )

  4. KASega

    This is after being in a 12 year emotionally abusive relationship from a spoiled kid who stole all my broke-ass money to buy band tshirts, vintage typewriters and cds, but I now have a man who, while dating, paid for everything but always thanked me when I reciprocated (even if it was just a good home cooked meal). Now, as a wife and the mother of his child, I’m lucky that I found a nice caring easy going man who is proud to provide.

    PS I make all the decisions for everything – I am not a slave to his money = his way.

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